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What I am Teaching my Daughter About Group Chats

Child staring at phone

I did not think I would be here yet, but here I am. I always planned on my daughter getting her first phone at thirteen, but that’s not the way it actually happened. I stepped into my room while her aunt stopped for a visit, and by the time I returned, my nine year old was pleading with me to let her have a phone. Her aunt offered her a cell phone as her present for her ninth birthday. I wasn’t happy at all, and to make it worse, dad said it was okay, so to avoid getting into a massive conflict with my daughter, I said yes. I let her know immediately there would be strong limitations on how and when she can use it. She was fine with that.


When we got the phone, I put every parental control you can think of on that device. She only spends about thirty minutes a day to reach out to her Nana, aunt and one friend. So when she came to me yesterday that a friend added her to a group chat, I asked who was on there. It was five of her classmates from last year who I am familiar with. I instantly noted that we need to talk about how to navigate group chats and my expectations of her behavior in the chat. Here are some of the things we talked about regarding navigating group chats safely and respectfully.


Setting Ground Rules


Privacy and Security


We talked about the significance of privacy. Once she assured me that she knew and trusted everyone in the chat, we went ahead on identifying the names of all five people. I also highlight the need for keeping personal information private and not sharing any photos and videos of herself or our family.


Respect and Etiquette


The importance of treating others with respect in group chats was discussed. I reminded her to think before posting, avoid gossip, and refrain from bullying or making hurtful comments. If at any point she observes or experiences inappropriate behavior, I expect her to speak up or leave the group.


Managing Digital Footprints


Permanence of Online Posts


I explained that anything shared in this group chat can be saved, shared, or screenshot by others. Even if a message or photo is deleted, it may still exist somewhere online. Therefore, she needs to conduct herself in the same manner she would if I was present.


Appropriate Content


We discussed what is deemed as appropriate content for group chats. No offensive content and/or jokes. Don’t share anything that could be considered inappropriate, illegal, or harmful. I reminded her that all it takes is one act and a complaint from a member of the group chat for things to go wrong.


Handling Conflict


Responding to Negative Behavior


From the time my girls started playing Roblox, we talked about strategies to handle conflicts or negative behavior. This applies to group chats. We talked about trying to stay calm and seeking help from a trusted adult if needed. I encouraged her to report any bullying or harassment in the chat to myself or dad.


Leaving a Group Chat


Sometimes, the best option is to leave a group chat. If the conversation makes her uncomfortable or unhappy it is time to exit. Her well-being is more important than staying in a toxic environment. We have a saying in our house: “No friends are better than mean friends, because mean friends are not friends.”


Ideally, this is not a bridge I wanted to cross, but we are doing our best to help our 9 year old navigate what has become a significant part of modern social interaction. To ensure that she does so responsibly, we will continue to set limits on screen time to promote a healthy relationship with technology, maintain an open line of communication with her and encourage her to share her thoughts and concerns. We will always be approachable when she seeks advice or help and do our best to provide the guidance she needs.


This is a conversation that we will continue having as many times as she needs to be reminded. Our kids are learning and so are we. All we can do is be proactive with the best intentions in mind.



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