Things I Should Have Done When my Ex Reached Out

Have you had the unfortunate experience of getting an unexpected friend request that you should have immediately deleted? Instead, you decided to respond against your better judgment and now you’re reminiscing the past where he calls you the love of his life. You’re now wondering why it took so many years. You wanna call bullshit on it, but you keep going along with it to see how far he goes, because you're also caught up in the nostalgia. Then he proves once again why he needed to stay in the past.

This was me. I know how difficult it is to let go of someone you loved, shared hopes and dreams with at one point in your life, only to have it come to an end. Here are the five things I wish I had done when my ex reached out:

1. Take a breath and evaluate my feelings.

When that message popped up in my inbox, my initial reaction was a mix of surprise and curiosity. Instead of diving headfirst into responding, I should have taken a moment to breathe and evaluate how I truly felt about reconnecting with him. I thought about the outcome of the other times that he reached out to me that were not in any way productive, but totally disregarded that warning. I never to took the time to ask myself, was I emotionally ready to do this again? Do I still have unresolved feelings? Was I ready to be vulnerable with this person again? Taking stock of my emotions would have helped me approach the situation with a bit more clarity.

2. Consider the Motivation Behind Their Message.

This is a big one. At the onset of our conversations, I pondered on whether he was genuinely interested in reconnecting as friends or he wanted to explore the possibility of getting back together? Or was it a moment of loneliness or nostalgia on his part? I was so caught up in the whirlwind of his presence and the fact that we both discussed exploring the possibility of a relationship, that I did not do my due diligence. I never considered whether engaging in these conversations aligned with my current life goals and my emotional well-being. I wish I had considered that a bit more before delving into that situation.

3. Trusted my gut.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable with a person who said he wanted to rekindle a relationship that he thought was meant to be, but I did not do enough protect my heart. I think he enjoyed knowing that I wanted him as much as he wanted me, but the actions were not consistent. I expected some delay in communication (due to the nature of his work), but not to the extreme of what happened. At some point, I got the distinct sense that he was pulling away from me. I was no longer a priority, even though he kept reassuring me that this was not the case. I wanted to trust him, but I had to admit to myself that this was going nowhere. I was heart broken, but justified in what I felt was happening.

4. Sought perspective from trusted friends or counselors from the beginning.

I kept what was happening a secret from everyone for a while. I thought it was my way of waiting to see what the outcome would be before seeking advice, but doing it earlier would have helped give me a better perspective. I had one friend who recommended walking away for reasons I can’t remember, but I chose to dismiss her thoughts. Boy was she right. She heard something I didn’t because shortly after, I had to call it quits. 

5. Focus on personal growth.

Receiving a message from an ex can stir up old emotions and memories. I allowed his presence to  consume my thoughts, when I should have been focusing on my personal growth. All I envisioned was a future with him thinking that’s what I needed, but instead, I needed to center my own life's journey. I needed to focus on my personal growth.

Reflecting on these points, I realize that responding to an ex reaching out on Facebook is not just about the immediate conversation but also about honoring my own emotions and well-being. Each situation is unique, and taking proactive steps to understand my feelings, trust my gut, and focus on my own well-being is crucial to navigating such delicate moments with grace and clarity.